On Being a Senior, a piece in Two Parts

Part One: An Open Letter

To my dearest underclassmen, and Juniors:

First of all I wish to make it known that you are not invisible. I see you every day wandering around, many of you still look like deer in headlights. Most of you seem like smart, intelligent girls who know how to make yourselves happy, something that’s very tricky in these parts

But that’s just it, I see you.

I see you listening to your iPhone or laptop during study, through headphones. Last time I checked that was a Senior privilege. If I’m mistaken please, let me know. Now, I’m not mad when you are actually working on a project, but I don’t think connecting headphones to your iPhone while flipping through your Spanish II workbook is absolutely necessary. Again, correct me if I’m wrong.

I see you wearing your grey Columbia. Again, I didn’t think you could, but I am just human. Maybe a club got special permission for everyone to wear a Columbia every day.

I see you sitting around the electric plugs. Forget to charge your computer last night? Oh, don’t worry, your allowed to sit in those spots, but let me tell you a little secret. We need them more. You see, our laptops and our batteries are far older than yours. This means a lot in technology time. Several Seniors have to plug in their laptops to get them to work at all. There are a select few who’s laptops do hold a charge for twenty minutes before dying. So, don’t worry, feel free to take those places by the plugs. It’s not like we need them.

Well, that’s all the wisdom I have to store upon you today my dear children.

Remember Jesus loves you.

I’m not so sure.

Signed,

Anonymous Uncaring Seniors

Part II: Prescription Write Ups

Patient needs 200cc’s of motivation straight to her veins, stat. The IV will drip continuously until patient has put on her white cap and gown.

Patient needs 30mg of ‘interest in’ my school work. The generic ‘Concern for’ will do if necessary. The patient should be forced to swallow one or more daily unless she does at least some homework without prompting.

Patient needs an over the counter plan to deal with a general sense of apathy that concerns graduation. Patient should be able to self medicate how much she does or does not care about Graduation. Should lower dosage as graduation draws closer.

Patient needs a daily dose of fun until this depressive thing called school is done with. Make sure teachers are aware that interesting may not equal the same as fun and realize that the condition is not their fault.

Patient needs a prescription for Senioritis.