I know who I am, at least, I'm pretty sure of it. I just wish more people would figure out who I am already.
Many people see me as a quiet goody two shoes who will gladly sit at home every weekend night with a book or movie. They think I'm sweet and angelic and wouldn't dare go to a drinking party, especially one filled with strangers.
However, I also could not be the opposite of that. I couldn't go over to to a party every night of the week and get hellas crunk on a regular basis. I wouldn't keep alcohol in my refrigerator or bring puking guys into my room.
I am in between. I do like to have quiet nights alone with a book or movie, but not every night. I'd gladly go to parties, even if I had to be the designated driver. Some one just needs to ask me, or let me know where parties are.
Unfortunately, people have difficulty seeing my bad side. Maybe its because I'm shy. I don't act like a person who would get drunk on occasion. Generally I hold myself to high standards. I generally try to dress well and I'm polite and alert. Does my common sense and self respect prevent me from having college fun?
Sometimes I wish I could hide behind a mask, that I could be a raving party girl (after I've gotten my homework done) and show people I know how to have a good time. But masks have never really fit me well.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Nothing On
There is nothing on TV worth watching on Wednesday nights. The only things on are fully disgusting shows or re-runs, or the end of movies.
For instance, I went channel surfing and found Toddlers and Tiaras. I absolutely hate pageants and pageant moms, so watching the show is an easy way to make me value my mother. I am eternally grateful that I was not subjected to this kind of torture. Normally I would have just watched this show, as I have the past two weeks, but TLC or my cable was having problems that made this already scary show even scarier. Seriously demonic stage moms twitching like the a possessed demon is frightening. I'm going to blame TLC, or just a bad connection from the satelite on campus because the channels on either side were working just fine.
I tried every trick my tech savy father would have used. I tried to tighten the connection, I re did the connection, I refound the channels. Nothing worked.
So I channel surfed. I found the last 10 minutes of Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (Yay, I can watch Borromir, a great character, DIE!). I found the last half hour~45min of The Princess Diaries (So most of the funny bits and Julie Andrews parts are over--the boring Mia finding herself bits).
I finally have come across something more terrifying than Toddlers with Crazy Moms. I found a History Channel Documentary on hell. The problem is I've seen very little History. There is some history to some obscure beliefs from various cultures, but when a History Channel Documentary is actively wondering if some Volcano in Africa is a true portal to hell and comparing it to Dante's inferno (Which was filled with mostly ironies and little actual fire) I draw a fine line.
For anyone wanting information on the actual biblical Hell allow me to direct you to a great youtuber's video on it.
So, yeah, I'm stuck in my own version of hell until cable works properly.
In other news I might have a snow day tomorrow.
For instance, I went channel surfing and found Toddlers and Tiaras. I absolutely hate pageants and pageant moms, so watching the show is an easy way to make me value my mother. I am eternally grateful that I was not subjected to this kind of torture. Normally I would have just watched this show, as I have the past two weeks, but TLC or my cable was having problems that made this already scary show even scarier. Seriously demonic stage moms twitching like the a possessed demon is frightening. I'm going to blame TLC, or just a bad connection from the satelite on campus because the channels on either side were working just fine.
I tried every trick my tech savy father would have used. I tried to tighten the connection, I re did the connection, I refound the channels. Nothing worked.
So I channel surfed. I found the last 10 minutes of Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (Yay, I can watch Borromir, a great character, DIE!). I found the last half hour~45min of The Princess Diaries (So most of the funny bits and Julie Andrews parts are over--the boring Mia finding herself bits).
I finally have come across something more terrifying than Toddlers with Crazy Moms. I found a History Channel Documentary on hell. The problem is I've seen very little History. There is some history to some obscure beliefs from various cultures, but when a History Channel Documentary is actively wondering if some Volcano in Africa is a true portal to hell and comparing it to Dante's inferno (Which was filled with mostly ironies and little actual fire) I draw a fine line.
For anyone wanting information on the actual biblical Hell allow me to direct you to a great youtuber's video on it.
So, yeah, I'm stuck in my own version of hell until cable works properly.
In other news I might have a snow day tomorrow.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
You raised me well, too well
Last night I had a breakthrough: My mom and I had an honest discussion about my upcoming (well, 3 years away) wedding to my boyfriend.
There were problems, no arguments, just problems.
My mother doesn't realize that when she raised me with good taste she also took out a lot of the 'practicality' she has.
Some examples: Having a reception in a gym, while practical for size,location and cost effectiveness is not cool, in my opinion.
I don't think walking down a side aisle is cool then out the other side is cool, especially because family will probably be sitting center.
DIY Everything seems a bit extreme and unreliable to me, as I'm a perfectionist if I'm doing it myself.
I don't find most reception halls tacky.
I really don't want to get married in a church, especially my parish because of said side ways church problem. Not getting married in a church is out of the question.
I don't want my reception in the local hotel.
That's what I realized last night as we finally discussed my wedding. Normally I wouldn't feel so bad about some of these ideas, but recently my fiance's mom had a relatively large wedding reception that seemed to cost way more than what my mom is willing to spend on my wedding. I hate to make this sound like a competition, but I feel my wedding should be better(or at least equal to) than hers.
That sounds really bitchy or bridezilla-esque, but I mean, I want a nice wedding, and (from the few pictures I've seen) she had a nice wedding.
Part of this is, I'm not entirely sure what I want yet, but I know I want my wedding to be nice, and when she constantly suggests DIY this and "We could do that ourselves" it gets a little frustrating. Maybe this wouldn't be such a problem if her wedding hadn't been entirely DIY (seriously she only had flowers and photography professionally done, and I'm not even sure about the flowers...)
I'm not saying my mom's wedding was nice, I'm just saying that we have a bigger budget, let's show it off a little.
There were problems, no arguments, just problems.
My mother doesn't realize that when she raised me with good taste she also took out a lot of the 'practicality' she has.
Some examples: Having a reception in a gym, while practical for size,location and cost effectiveness is not cool, in my opinion.
I don't think walking down a side aisle is cool then out the other side is cool, especially because family will probably be sitting center.
DIY Everything seems a bit extreme and unreliable to me, as I'm a perfectionist if I'm doing it myself.
I don't find most reception halls tacky.
I really don't want to get married in a church, especially my parish because of said side ways church problem. Not getting married in a church is out of the question.
I don't want my reception in the local hotel.
That's what I realized last night as we finally discussed my wedding. Normally I wouldn't feel so bad about some of these ideas, but recently my fiance's mom had a relatively large wedding reception that seemed to cost way more than what my mom is willing to spend on my wedding. I hate to make this sound like a competition, but I feel my wedding should be better(or at least equal to) than hers.
That sounds really bitchy or bridezilla-esque, but I mean, I want a nice wedding, and (from the few pictures I've seen) she had a nice wedding.
Part of this is, I'm not entirely sure what I want yet, but I know I want my wedding to be nice, and when she constantly suggests DIY this and "We could do that ourselves" it gets a little frustrating. Maybe this wouldn't be such a problem if her wedding hadn't been entirely DIY (seriously she only had flowers and photography professionally done, and I'm not even sure about the flowers...)
I'm not saying my mom's wedding was nice, I'm just saying that we have a bigger budget, let's show it off a little.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Of Men and Women
While I am generally for guys displaying emotion now and then there is a line that can and needs to be drawn. Usually this line is called "Rational Thinking" but there are obviously people out there who do not use such wonderful gifts as rational thought to their advantage.
This is particularly bad when your emotion girl friends are whispering, "He acts more like a girl than we do" behind another friends back.
He is all over the place. He get's insanely jealous when we mention other guys or express interest in other men, even ones we know we'll neuver meet ala Charlie McDonnel. He wants some good friends. He wants to take pictures with you awkwardly. He wants you to read things. He wants them back. He wants to sit and watch cartoons while you work furiously on papers. Little, seemingly inconsequential things that make him seem down right frustrating to the people who have to deal with him, namely his friends and at this point that's the MOST any of us want to be with him.
This sort of thing really dovetails nicely with what I've been studying in one of my literature classes. Until the 1800's men were always thought of as "rational beings" and women were "controlled by their emotions" yet there has been a shift in thinking that basically boils down to: men want sex, women want money and stability in their lives. This demonstrates a complete reversal in the way we think about the world.
I've seen both, men with cool, calculated outlooks on life and women who fly off the handle at a moments notice the same time I've seen guys flip out over nothing and girls laughing at them for being so silly.
SO I've got to ask a few questions:
Is this method of thinking (men rational;women irrational) out dated?
Is the opposite any more true?
Is is far more complicated then any of this?
If you have answers, or just more questions feel free to comment below.
This is particularly bad when your emotion girl friends are whispering, "He acts more like a girl than we do" behind another friends back.
He is all over the place. He get's insanely jealous when we mention other guys or express interest in other men, even ones we know we'll neuver meet ala Charlie McDonnel. He wants some good friends. He wants to take pictures with you awkwardly. He wants you to read things. He wants them back. He wants to sit and watch cartoons while you work furiously on papers. Little, seemingly inconsequential things that make him seem down right frustrating to the people who have to deal with him, namely his friends and at this point that's the MOST any of us want to be with him.
This sort of thing really dovetails nicely with what I've been studying in one of my literature classes. Until the 1800's men were always thought of as "rational beings" and women were "controlled by their emotions" yet there has been a shift in thinking that basically boils down to: men want sex, women want money and stability in their lives. This demonstrates a complete reversal in the way we think about the world.
I've seen both, men with cool, calculated outlooks on life and women who fly off the handle at a moments notice the same time I've seen guys flip out over nothing and girls laughing at them for being so silly.
SO I've got to ask a few questions:
Is this method of thinking (men rational;women irrational) out dated?
Is the opposite any more true?
Is is far more complicated then any of this?
If you have answers, or just more questions feel free to comment below.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Between a Rock and...
Hello, I'm trying my darndest to get back into a blogging frame of mind. So I thought of something I really wanted to talk about..... My engagement.
Yes, I'm (as of yet) unofficially engaged to a very nice guy, who was not my boyfriend for the past several years, that's another story entirely. I say unofficially because I don't have a ring yet.
This is my dillema. I am happy to wait for however long it takes for him to save up and buy me a ring. However, I want to proclaim to the world that I've found a great guy and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him and I don't feel right doing that unless I have a ring.
Why do I feel I need a ring? Society. Society says I need a ring to show off when I announce my engagement to my friends and family. They will ask to see the ring and I'll happily say I don't have one yet and immediately, apart from the incredible speed we're moving at, people will think something is completely off about our relationship, including his parents.
You see my parents are cool with my fiance and I because they too only dated for a month before their official engagement was announced. His parents (Well, him mom and step-dad--we don't talk about his biological father) have both remarried at least once and therefore are far more wary of our relationship, which is understandable.
I realize to the outside world we are moving at a breakneck pace, but to me I've never felt anything more right in my life. Which leads me back to this ring thing (ha!).
I want to wait for a ring, because I know that will give more people more time to get aquainted with my fiance and the idea that we're together. I would love to say I'm comfortable enough with myself that I don't need a ring to tell people I'm engaged, but I think it's another matter of length.
I know we won't get married until we both finish our undergrad (not only because we think it's best, but I'm pretty sure that's the easiest way to let his parents get used to the idea, and it's when my parents want me to wait until), which won't be until May 2014 at the earliest. SO the earliest possible wedding dates are in June of 2014. That's nearly a three year engagement, which isn't unheard of, but it's not exactly common either.
So I want to wait for a ring and yet I don't. I keep thinking of my grandmother's engagement ring I have back at my parents house and the best way to persuade him to use it, yet at the same time I want him to put his unique spin on our official engagement... It's all so complicated.
I want to proclaim that I have found Mr. Right to the heavens, and yet I know that I should wait, and kind of want to wait until the time is right which for some reason means a ring is around my finger.
In any case, I'm glad I do have time to plan though, weddding are complicated!
Yes, I'm (as of yet) unofficially engaged to a very nice guy, who was not my boyfriend for the past several years, that's another story entirely. I say unofficially because I don't have a ring yet.
This is my dillema. I am happy to wait for however long it takes for him to save up and buy me a ring. However, I want to proclaim to the world that I've found a great guy and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him and I don't feel right doing that unless I have a ring.
Why do I feel I need a ring? Society. Society says I need a ring to show off when I announce my engagement to my friends and family. They will ask to see the ring and I'll happily say I don't have one yet and immediately, apart from the incredible speed we're moving at, people will think something is completely off about our relationship, including his parents.
You see my parents are cool with my fiance and I because they too only dated for a month before their official engagement was announced. His parents (Well, him mom and step-dad--we don't talk about his biological father) have both remarried at least once and therefore are far more wary of our relationship, which is understandable.
I realize to the outside world we are moving at a breakneck pace, but to me I've never felt anything more right in my life. Which leads me back to this ring thing (ha!).
I want to wait for a ring, because I know that will give more people more time to get aquainted with my fiance and the idea that we're together. I would love to say I'm comfortable enough with myself that I don't need a ring to tell people I'm engaged, but I think it's another matter of length.
I know we won't get married until we both finish our undergrad (not only because we think it's best, but I'm pretty sure that's the easiest way to let his parents get used to the idea, and it's when my parents want me to wait until), which won't be until May 2014 at the earliest. SO the earliest possible wedding dates are in June of 2014. That's nearly a three year engagement, which isn't unheard of, but it's not exactly common either.
So I want to wait for a ring and yet I don't. I keep thinking of my grandmother's engagement ring I have back at my parents house and the best way to persuade him to use it, yet at the same time I want him to put his unique spin on our official engagement... It's all so complicated.
I want to proclaim that I have found Mr. Right to the heavens, and yet I know that I should wait, and kind of want to wait until the time is right which for some reason means a ring is around my finger.
In any case, I'm glad I do have time to plan though, weddding are complicated!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Prom... The first of many....
SO, I got a lovely email today, asking me to move where I'm sitting at Prom... I'm not even kidding.
Why must we have assigned seating when every wedding movie known to mankind has shown us it is a bad idea? The world may never know.
I actually then tried to move, because the feelings of unwantedness were coming from where I signed up long before I even chose to sit there. On top of that I felt bad because it really does seem like the person they wanted to have my seat does need a seat and she's really a nice girl.
The problem is that all the tables were full, the ones that might have been open were with people I hardly talk to, much less would want to spend my prom night with.
I do ask why we even need assigned seating? If you want everyone to have fancy place cards, don't bother. I'd rather have the beef you promised us instead of the chicken you'll be serving than have a fancy place card to keep in my drawer of things I've gathered about me and my history.
After I got this email I wrote this poem. It sucks and is unedited, but it expresses my most initial reaction (Snap is the title, not an actual part of the poem...):
Snap
Let’s not hurt anyone’s feelings
Don’t want anyone to feel left out of the festivities
You, move
Now don’t be upset
We don’t want anyone upset,
Now leave so we don’t hurt anyone
Get the fuck out.
We want fun for all,
So you can sit in the corner alone with a box of crayons and safety scissors,
We can’t afford paper.
Throw yourself under the bus for the good of the whole
Why are you upset?
Its not that big of a deal.
Its just a meal
Stand out of the way and hide in a corner
Now we can all have fun
Sacrifice yourself so that others may live and be happy
Messiah complexes suck…
I can’t fucking take it
Tumultuous is such a simple word to describe this entire year
Prom, a Capstone
Are you serious?
I lie down and take it
It is more easy
What the fuck do I do now?
Plastered on fake smile, because what else is left?
I can’t force myself to feel any other emotion except a creepy kind of laughing incredulity
I realize why the Joker smiles
The world is so ridiculous
SO pretentious
SO incredibly insane
SO caught up in inanity
You can’t take it at face value
Smiling, Smiling just keep smiling
Writing no better than Rape survival poetry
Oh, My Fucking God, are we twelve?
Why must we have assigned seating?
Why must it be such a Big Fucking Deal?
Why? Why? Why?
Settle down, still in utter disbelief
Why must we have assigned seating when every wedding movie known to mankind has shown us it is a bad idea? The world may never know.
I actually then tried to move, because the feelings of unwantedness were coming from where I signed up long before I even chose to sit there. On top of that I felt bad because it really does seem like the person they wanted to have my seat does need a seat and she's really a nice girl.
The problem is that all the tables were full, the ones that might have been open were with people I hardly talk to, much less would want to spend my prom night with.
I do ask why we even need assigned seating? If you want everyone to have fancy place cards, don't bother. I'd rather have the beef you promised us instead of the chicken you'll be serving than have a fancy place card to keep in my drawer of things I've gathered about me and my history.
After I got this email I wrote this poem. It sucks and is unedited, but it expresses my most initial reaction (Snap is the title, not an actual part of the poem...):
Snap
Let’s not hurt anyone’s feelings
Don’t want anyone to feel left out of the festivities
You, move
Now don’t be upset
We don’t want anyone upset,
Now leave so we don’t hurt anyone
Get the fuck out.
We want fun for all,
So you can sit in the corner alone with a box of crayons and safety scissors,
We can’t afford paper.
Throw yourself under the bus for the good of the whole
Why are you upset?
Its not that big of a deal.
Its just a meal
Stand out of the way and hide in a corner
Now we can all have fun
Sacrifice yourself so that others may live and be happy
Messiah complexes suck…
I can’t fucking take it
Tumultuous is such a simple word to describe this entire year
Prom, a Capstone
Are you serious?
I lie down and take it
It is more easy
What the fuck do I do now?
Plastered on fake smile, because what else is left?
I can’t force myself to feel any other emotion except a creepy kind of laughing incredulity
I realize why the Joker smiles
The world is so ridiculous
SO pretentious
SO incredibly insane
SO caught up in inanity
You can’t take it at face value
Smiling, Smiling just keep smiling
Writing no better than Rape survival poetry
Oh, My Fucking God, are we twelve?
Why must we have assigned seating?
Why must it be such a Big Fucking Deal?
Why? Why? Why?
Settle down, still in utter disbelief
Monday, April 5, 2010
Holidays are lovely
Happy Easter all. Not going to write much because I'm writing from my new iPod touch and it's hard to type on this little keypad thing. Just making sure it's going to work okay.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
